just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
