I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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