Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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