feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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