im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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