Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
