And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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