This show inspires me to have sex in space
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
