Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
