i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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