Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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