the condom got lost in my hair
i wish my penis had a tongue
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I queefed so loud it echoed.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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