have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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