girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
