What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
