i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
did i walk over a car last night?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
