dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
