The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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