I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
