You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
