i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
