He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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