dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
