i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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