I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
