Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
