I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
