cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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