It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
