I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
