I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
