Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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