would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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