I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
