WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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