My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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