Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
