I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
