turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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