one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Randomize
