Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
