yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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