Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
