i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
