he wants to bone in the snuggie
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
