He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
