Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
