Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
