if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Randomize
