Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
